HUMOR!
HOT SALSA CRITERIUM
Announcer: "Welcome to the first annul Hot Salsa Criterium folks and wow what a great turn out on this lovely day, birds are singing and the temperature is only 76 degrees and we have some outstanding riders getting ready to burn both the pavement and them selves. So what is the Hot Salsa Criterium? Well let me explain, we hired sweet little Maria Hellfire who is a world champion salsa maker, she has cooked up some really (REALLY) hot volcanic, sun fire exploding salsa. Here the ingredient list of what is in this shiny glass jar that I hold. First off she started with one of the world hottest peppers the Carolina Reaper coming in at 2,200,000 scovilles that 200 time spicier than a jalapeno. I can see the riders already tearing up from anticipation. Next ranking in at the 7th hottest pepper... what not the 2nd? Were cruel, but we don't want to kill our cyclist. We want them alive. The 7th hottest pepper is called the Ghost Pepper (Bhut Jolokia), coming in at 1,041,427 scovilles it's not a heavy weight,, but it packs a punch all it's own. Next for the tomato she choose a Heirloom variety called Sunset Red Horizon about 5 of them with one Kula Sweet onion and a handful of cilantro, weather you guy will taste the other ingredient will remain to be seen.
Okay now for the rules of the race so listen up. First you must start off by taking one heaping spoon full of salsa that will be provided by your spoon spotter. As soon as you let heat start frying your brain as it hit your mouth a gun will be fired and you take off, in order to win the race you much complete 6 laps with out milk. You have to stay focused and on track. Anyone seen stopping for aid with be disqualified. This is a no holds bar flaming race of furry. Now lets meet the contestants.
AXEL: Axel Grease like he like to be called is 26, and not at all new to the Crit racing, he lean mean riding machine. When he riding he puts fear into the hearts of the other riders. So watch out and don't slip when grease lighting pass you.
LEO: Leo Anderplaster in another formidable crit racer, like Axle they both are masters at what they do. Being 22, watch out ladies and guys, he is a killer with charm and you'll be swooning either way or just passing out.
DERK: What can I say about DERK Fruffernut. 23 years old he's built like a tree stump on steroids. He's a manly man with a beard that looks like it could kill you. But don't let the tree stump look make you think he could not win. He got strength and stamina like a wild raging bull.
ACE: ACE Mannderfelt is our 25 year old pretty boy, and probably the only meterosexual here that has more make up on than the women do. Perfection is motto. And he plans to win.
BANTHER: Banther Todd is 24 year old regular guy from Texas, you can identify him by his Red Make American Great Again styled Jersey. He even went so far to fly American flags off the handle bars and a bigger flag off the back off the bike. It will remain to be seen if that will impeded on his performance today.
VERMIT: VERMIT Malfoilisishtine. Is our youngest contestant at 18. New to the Crit racing. If you ever watch him he puts his all in. Really folks his all, I've seen him crash several times and the kid is unstoppable, he get right up and keep going. I've seen him finish a race with a broken arm.
Let's get this burn fest started! So boys are you ready to burn like you never burn before! I'm getting thumbs up from the guys so here we go.
Spoon spotters scoop up the salsa make sure it a big bite, our judges our watching you. Feed! Gun Goes off!!!!!!!!
And holy shit are there faces red and eyes bulging. And DAM look at Vermit go! he faster than shit lighting and wow he not following the course he's.... he's going straight ahead down the road and folks he's out of sight and disqualified.
And the action is hot people really hot next up is Derk boy howdy is he hammering it out and trying to hold back the tears of pain, right behind Derk is the grease man him self Axel, and the look him his face is one of shear pain and agony. And the screaming you hear is our guy Ace, boy is he loud, red and not a happy camper, we can defiantly tell were he is on the course. And hanging on for dear life is Leo, who look so red I swear he's a lobster, but he wearing a very strained poker face. Where is Banther? Oh god I see him another fatality, he fell over on the spot and is in a fetal position. Dang call the ambulance looks like he's going to need it. So folks two down 4 cyclist left and 5 laps left.
And here we go again WOW Ace has manager to pass up Derk who is beginning to go into the second stages after burn. Leo is right behind Ace just biting his heels. And oh no folk Axel is at the back. Will Leo pass Ace? This is intense folks. 4 laps left and WOW Leo has passed Ace, who is starting to look a bit off like a shade of blue and yellowish green Oh no! I think he's going to hurl.......watch out Derk! To late Derk just got covered and Ace is off the course right into a hay bail. Oh god Derk look well like shit, he's covered in puke and still peddling. That's determination folks, that's determination. And Axel is still at the back. So it not down to the wire 3 laps left and we have Leo, Derk and Axel. 2 laps left and OH NO folk we just got conformation that Axle is mechanical doping, why Axle why? So folk it's our last two champions left Leo and Derk, last lap.
And here they come rounding the corner look at them fly, Derk who is encrusted with puke and looking like he about ready to cry is giving it his all, Leo who know looks like he's glowing and still maintaining a poker face with tears streaming out of his eye is also giving his all, both men are standing up off their bikes and just hammering it people hammering it. Wow look at the intensity, look at the determination and LEO wins. WOW! just WOW! That was just amazing drama to watch.
Dang Look at Leo downing 2 gallons of milk, and hell he's working on a third. Could someone drag Derk to get medical attention.
Thank you folk till next time. Good day.
HOT SALSA CRITERIUM
Announcer: "Welcome to the first annul Hot Salsa Criterium folks and wow what a great turn out on this lovely day, birds are singing and the temperature is only 76 degrees and we have some outstanding riders getting ready to burn both the pavement and them selves. So what is the Hot Salsa Criterium? Well let me explain, we hired sweet little Maria Hellfire who is a world champion salsa maker, she has cooked up some really (REALLY) hot volcanic, sun fire exploding salsa. Here the ingredient list of what is in this shiny glass jar that I hold. First off she started with one of the world hottest peppers the Carolina Reaper coming in at 2,200,000 scovilles that 200 time spicier than a jalapeno. I can see the riders already tearing up from anticipation. Next ranking in at the 7th hottest pepper... what not the 2nd? Were cruel, but we don't want to kill our cyclist. We want them alive. The 7th hottest pepper is called the Ghost Pepper (Bhut Jolokia), coming in at 1,041,427 scovilles it's not a heavy weight,, but it packs a punch all it's own. Next for the tomato she choose a Heirloom variety called Sunset Red Horizon about 5 of them with one Kula Sweet onion and a handful of cilantro, weather you guy will taste the other ingredient will remain to be seen.
Okay now for the rules of the race so listen up. First you must start off by taking one heaping spoon full of salsa that will be provided by your spoon spotter. As soon as you let heat start frying your brain as it hit your mouth a gun will be fired and you take off, in order to win the race you much complete 6 laps with out milk. You have to stay focused and on track. Anyone seen stopping for aid with be disqualified. This is a no holds bar flaming race of furry. Now lets meet the contestants.
AXEL: Axel Grease like he like to be called is 26, and not at all new to the Crit racing, he lean mean riding machine. When he riding he puts fear into the hearts of the other riders. So watch out and don't slip when grease lighting pass you.
LEO: Leo Anderplaster in another formidable crit racer, like Axle they both are masters at what they do. Being 22, watch out ladies and guys, he is a killer with charm and you'll be swooning either way or just passing out.
DERK: What can I say about DERK Fruffernut. 23 years old he's built like a tree stump on steroids. He's a manly man with a beard that looks like it could kill you. But don't let the tree stump look make you think he could not win. He got strength and stamina like a wild raging bull.
ACE: ACE Mannderfelt is our 25 year old pretty boy, and probably the only meterosexual here that has more make up on than the women do. Perfection is motto. And he plans to win.
BANTHER: Banther Todd is 24 year old regular guy from Texas, you can identify him by his Red Make American Great Again styled Jersey. He even went so far to fly American flags off the handle bars and a bigger flag off the back off the bike. It will remain to be seen if that will impeded on his performance today.
VERMIT: VERMIT Malfoilisishtine. Is our youngest contestant at 18. New to the Crit racing. If you ever watch him he puts his all in. Really folks his all, I've seen him crash several times and the kid is unstoppable, he get right up and keep going. I've seen him finish a race with a broken arm.
Let's get this burn fest started! So boys are you ready to burn like you never burn before! I'm getting thumbs up from the guys so here we go.
Spoon spotters scoop up the salsa make sure it a big bite, our judges our watching you. Feed! Gun Goes off!!!!!!!!
And holy shit are there faces red and eyes bulging. And DAM look at Vermit go! he faster than shit lighting and wow he not following the course he's.... he's going straight ahead down the road and folks he's out of sight and disqualified.
And the action is hot people really hot next up is Derk boy howdy is he hammering it out and trying to hold back the tears of pain, right behind Derk is the grease man him self Axel, and the look him his face is one of shear pain and agony. And the screaming you hear is our guy Ace, boy is he loud, red and not a happy camper, we can defiantly tell were he is on the course. And hanging on for dear life is Leo, who look so red I swear he's a lobster, but he wearing a very strained poker face. Where is Banther? Oh god I see him another fatality, he fell over on the spot and is in a fetal position. Dang call the ambulance looks like he's going to need it. So folks two down 4 cyclist left and 5 laps left.
And here we go again WOW Ace has manager to pass up Derk who is beginning to go into the second stages after burn. Leo is right behind Ace just biting his heels. And oh no folk Axel is at the back. Will Leo pass Ace? This is intense folks. 4 laps left and WOW Leo has passed Ace, who is starting to look a bit off like a shade of blue and yellowish green Oh no! I think he's going to hurl.......watch out Derk! To late Derk just got covered and Ace is off the course right into a hay bail. Oh god Derk look well like shit, he's covered in puke and still peddling. That's determination folks, that's determination. And Axel is still at the back. So it not down to the wire 3 laps left and we have Leo, Derk and Axel. 2 laps left and OH NO folk we just got conformation that Axle is mechanical doping, why Axle why? So folk it's our last two champions left Leo and Derk, last lap.
And here they come rounding the corner look at them fly, Derk who is encrusted with puke and looking like he about ready to cry is giving it his all, Leo who know looks like he's glowing and still maintaining a poker face with tears streaming out of his eye is also giving his all, both men are standing up off their bikes and just hammering it people hammering it. Wow look at the intensity, look at the determination and LEO wins. WOW! just WOW! That was just amazing drama to watch.
Dang Look at Leo downing 2 gallons of milk, and hell he's working on a third. Could someone drag Derk to get medical attention.
Thank you folk till next time. Good day.
No comments:
Post a Comment