ALTERNITIVE FOOD FOR HARD CORE CYCLIST: HUMOR

HUMOR!    (* means actually facts)
FOOD!  FOOD is for the weak.  Who needs food when cyclist every were have all the sustenance they need right from the air they ride through.  If you want to take your cycling to the next level and beyond those weaklings who still depend on bread, pasta, eggs and all that crap.

You need to Filter Feed!
 So what is filter feeding you might ask, it's the ultimate way to provide the sustenance you need on a hard core ride.   You don't need to stop, you don't need to dig food out of your back pocket jersey all you need to do is just open your mouth as you ride and let the calories come to you.

So what on the menu?   Lot's of good things, let's start with protein.

1. GNAT'S
Now I know what your thinking GNATS!  (*Actual Fact)  * One gnat = 5 calories.   So wait how do you attracted gnats to your face for consumption.  * Gnats are attracted by certain smells such as and body order, deodorants, especially deodorants they are scented with flowers smells.   Some are attracted to body heat and moisture. 
So here is what you need to do to make sure you little flying morsels make it to your mouth.    Take your favorite arm deodorants and use it to circle your mouth.  Then use a lot of hair spray on your helmet and hair, this will help attract them.  And the fact you'll sweat on your ride it will also help. They will be overwhelmed with your attractive smell and fly willing to you and right into your mouth.
So in order to fulfill your caloric intake you will need to eat 100 gnats per hour or every two hours depending on your stamina.

2. MOSQUITOES

Protein packed and they pop in your mouth.  These little sucks how ever are a little bit more of a challenge to nom, but on the plus side you can here them coming.  So you have to be ready to chomp at a moments notice. And there highly attracted to Carbon Dioxiode which you your self just happen to exhale.   So the key here is to ride slow and let the little winged flying protein fly right into your mouth.  And with mosquitoes there is a extra added bonuses if they already bite something.   And these tiny bites pack a punch in the calorie in take department.  * One mosquito =14.3 calories.  So you would only have to eat 50 mosquitoes to get to 715 calories.

Now I'm only skimming the surface of the winged protein selection, because there is a lot of insects to chose from with there one caloric intake.

Next up is FIBER.

3. DEAD LEAVES
Crunchy!   The trick to eating leaves is to ride on really windy days and ride into the wind.  The benefit of riding into the wind is huge!  Not only will you be able to eat lot's of leaves for fiber, your mineral will all be there too.  And if your lucky you might get a bug or too.  Another way to obtain dead leaves is to ride close to over hanging bushes or branches and chomp, but beware of holding on to the branch too long with your mouth.

  4. DEAD BUGS.

  This is going to be some good eating with plenty of fiber and protein.  Now I know what you are thinking.  There dead how am I going to eat them while I ride.   Well just like the sparrow hops in front of car grills and picks off a smorgasbord of desiccates you too can stop and check the bottom of your bike for any insects you might have picked up on the way.  Believe me you'll have lot's to chose from.    

So Bon Appetit